Through therapy, I’ve come to realise that we don’t always want someone’s opinion or judgement or even help.
I’ve carried this role into my friendships until recently. I was dubbed know it all Nelly Olsen (from little house on the prairie) and treated like google, expected to have all the answers. Historically however I’ve always been ‘the fixer’, because this was the role I was given in childhood. I feel honoured when my friends want to tell me about what’s going on in their lives. I’m working hard to become a good listener because I don’t think I’m naturally good at it. Don’t give it all away to those who sit on the outside when the ones closest to you aren’t being fed.ĭo you want me to listen or do you want my advice? This is my favourite question to ask. Knowing where each person sits in this model either mentally or via a list is crucial when it comes to allocating your time and energy. Our intimate circle contains up to 5 people (including family and our partner), our best friends ripple contains around 15, our good friends ripple contains 50 and our close friends ripple is up to 100. This is where the ripple system comes in. We cannot however give all these people equal time and attention and nor should we. Know where each friend sits in your ripples - Robin Dunbar writes that we can only manage 150 friends (a number which shocked me when I first read it but this does include acquaintances too - basically anyone we would do a favour for and in turn would do a favour for us).
I hear this is how the securely attached people do it anyway. Conflict doesn’t have to mean a blazing row or one of us not speaking to the other ever again, it can mean being honest in the spirit of wanting to both feel seen and see the other person so you can move forwards stronger together, telling the other person what it’s like for us and listening to what it’s like for them to before finding common ground and a way forwards. The strongest relationships are those which can handle conflict, not the dysfunctional kind you perhaps grew up with that makes you terrified of it in the first place, the healthy kind where we voice our opinions, our feelings from a place of vulnerability, compassion and self-security. Here’s what I’ve found helps throughout my trials and tribulations for anyone else who wants to be a better friend:Įmbrace conflict - are you scared yet? Exactly! Avoiding conflict is the fastest route to suppression of emotions, resentment and eventually distance. Logically then, they’re worth the same amount of effort if not more. Studies have shown friendships are more important to us than romantic relationships because they add more to our lives in so many ways. The connections I have with my friends have undoubtedly deepened and I wanted to share both how and why I think this is. They are the bedrock of my life and I don’t know what I’d do without them. Fast forward a few months and I’m making new friends as well as maintaining long distance friendships. I didn’t want to not see him until Ibiza. A deep dark sense of reality set in and for the first time in the process, I seriously questioned my move. ‘So I guess I’ll see you in Ibiza’ he said. When I said goodbye to my oldest friend Liam I almost didn’t come to Paris. Since moving to Paris my friendships have become long distance, though many were before already. But I have, for a few years now, been devoted to trying to be a better person and being a better friend is included in this endeavour. It takes time, effort, conflict and growth. No, we have to build those kinds of connections and it takes a lot of work. Relationships are not inherently good, deep and meaningful. Sitting on the outside longing to be let in.Īs I’ve grown up I’ve realised that while I’ve always found it easy to make new friends, and being open to new connections this year has reminded me of this, I haven’t always been a good friend. I’ve heard endless stories of how people struggle to make friends, have very few and feel isolated as a result. I never appreciated what a privilege this was until I started talking publicly about connection. So what I really mean is I’ve always found it easy to form surface level relationships.
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE WASTED AUDIO HOW TO
It’s not a magic gift I’ve got or that I’m someone everyone naturally gravitates towards, it’s because from a very young age I learnt how to please people, to quickly figure out what they wanted from me and how to get them to like me. Chance the Rapper & Tinashe & lyrics written by Chance the Rapper, James David Carter, Cass Lowe & Oliver Dickinson.It’s always been easy for me to make friends and I’ve taken this for granted most of my life. Song Info: All My Friends Are Wasted Song name is All My Friends which is sung by Snakehips ft.
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